Sarva is sitting on the floor just under the long wall of windows – outside, the view is still of deep fog. She’s wearing all white, and her gold hair cascades on her shoulders.
I have troubles breathing when I sit down. I focus on not judging myself for it.
She greets us with a namaste, and recites a mantra in Hindi. For the second mantra, we repeat after her. Three Oms, three Shantis, 22 voices together. We have no idea what we’re saying.
During that first philosophy class, we discuss the goal of yoga: to find the true self. “Yoga” comes from “Yoke”, “unite” in sanskrit. Through Yoga, we thrive to unite with our cosmic self. For that, we must free ourselves of the chatter of the mind, of the diktat of the ego, and of the old beliefs (Sanskaras) that hold us back. We live in Maya, illusion, and we are kept there by the Sanskaras, may they be physical (addictions, bad breathing,…) or psychological. On the path to enlightenment, we clean all of that up with the postures (yoga asanas), breathing exercises (pranayama) and meditation. After this class, I keep repeating to myself and everyone around: “You’re in the Maya, Neo! Take the yoga pill and break through the lies.”
I realize that these are new words for what I’ve been doing in therapy for eight years. The quest for enlightenment, in its practical side (the other side is Kundalini energy and supernatural powers, that I don’t get on board with right away), is really what we’ve called the search for happiness and authenticity. “Old beliefs” is one of my therapist’s favorite expressions.
“So you think you’re not allowed to create… What is this called, Hannah?
– An old belief, I know, I know.”
Together, we got me out of the little whole in which I was hiding and eating at myself. Now that I’m not constantly on the edge of the abyss anymore, we explore who I am and how I can be better: when do you feel most centered? When do you feel closest to your truth? What feels right? What, of your old habits, old ways of thinking, vieilles croyances, can you part with next? What is it that doesn’t belong to you?
I’m happy to find a familiar search in a faraway setting, and I am confirmed in my resolve to make this month a time for an Extreme Inner Make-Over. It’s time to decant everything I’ve learnt in my year in Australia, in my relationship and in my travels. It’s time to become the oh so fucking brilliant butterfly.
“OK, so I’m done, do you have questions?” We have just a couple, and Sarva assures us that “Within a week, you’ll be so talkative we won’t fit in the hour. Now it’s time for your juice break.”
Finding Love at Home and Across the World 